I guess it is appropriate that I type on this page today because coming home woke up the crab in me. First of all, I woke up with a pulled neck muscle from sleeping crappy. Let the little one sleep with me and as usual she pushed me to the edge of the bed. Also, I put one of those foam topper on the bed and that doesn't seem to be helpful. Anyway, combined with back pain and now the neck hurting I already felt like crap. We stayed out all day but I didn't really enjoy it feeling the pain. We get home and there is no mail in the mail box. There was not mail yesterday. This happened a few years ago when someone was stealing my mail. I sure hope this isn't happening again cause I am waiting on my unemployment money. I feel like someone is targeting me. Maybe I am being paranoid, shoot I can't even spell. Good think for spell check!
I already feel bad about this move to a smaller place. I'm so torn. On one had, I love this house with it's problems and I want to stay with these roomy rooms, the freedom of not worrying about someone hearing us yell or have fun or whatever and just plain ole walking away. On the other had, worrying about the yard work, the maintenance, the payment and the mortgage company isn't helping.
I'm scared and I don't seem to have an outlet, someone to talk to, someone to just listen. Damn, I want someone to make these decisions or at least help me!!!
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Friday, May 1, 2009
whatever
Wow, it has been so long since I have visited. So little has happened! Nothing but crap seems to happen in my life. I seem to be a cronic worrier and it is getting worse. I'm still worried about my house and the surrounding area. My driveway looks like it is about to slide down the hill. There are so many cracks and openings cause the rain is torrential here. This is really getting me down. I wish I never moved here, bought this house and took this job. When I decided to move back down South, I was full of possibilities. I wanted to get into a new career field but no one wanted me so I had to fall back on what I know: pulling cable. I'm a cable monkey and it seems I am destined to stay a cable monkey. Life is so damn hard. There are so many choices in this world and it seems like I am making all the wrong ones. What can I do from here. How can I clean this up. Someone may tell me to turn to God but I feel like God has so many other things to worry about than me.
Why do people have kids? Why did I have a kid? Have you ever read or saw one of those movies where the government controls when, where and how many kids you can have or whether you are fit to procreate. Man, I think life would be so much more simplier on that issue if something like that was implemented. I seriously would have been shot down! I had good intentions but 20/20 hindshight, my intentions are not adequate in my situation. We were so wrong for each other and making a baby made stuff worse.
I want to be a free spirit. I want to glide and never settle down. I feel so bogged down and listless. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading, fading really fast. I don't have anyone to turn to. I can see why some people do what they do to make the pain go away. I'm not strong or even weak enough to take that route. Right now I'm just avoiding it and wallowing in it.
On the real, do you every just get tired of yourself and of your own whining?
All right, whatever.
Why do people have kids? Why did I have a kid? Have you ever read or saw one of those movies where the government controls when, where and how many kids you can have or whether you are fit to procreate. Man, I think life would be so much more simplier on that issue if something like that was implemented. I seriously would have been shot down! I had good intentions but 20/20 hindshight, my intentions are not adequate in my situation. We were so wrong for each other and making a baby made stuff worse.
I want to be a free spirit. I want to glide and never settle down. I feel so bogged down and listless. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading, fading really fast. I don't have anyone to turn to. I can see why some people do what they do to make the pain go away. I'm not strong or even weak enough to take that route. Right now I'm just avoiding it and wallowing in it.
On the real, do you every just get tired of yourself and of your own whining?
All right, whatever.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Well
Well, it has been a while since I made it back here. Nothing has changed as usual. I'm still lonely, unhappy and broke. I did get a bit of good news. The little one passed her pass or fail test so all she has to do is maintain her grades and she will be a 4th grader. She actually did way better than I thought. I didn't really have expectations for her just for her to do her best and she did it so I'm really proud of her. I got my test results back and I'm in the clear on my sort of health scare. I thought I was years closer to a cervial cancer than expected but the tests cleared me so that was a weight off my mind. Other than that, things were back to normal as usual. The little one didn't want to do her homework, she took her time as usual, I restrained myself from yelling like I normally do but I could feel my stomach burning from holding back. I just balanced my checkbook and it is looking bleak!!!! I am just so over my head. I thought I was flush after we got our little bonuses and I put money in my savings. Well, I will be dipping back into it come next week or two to pay the bills. I guess I should be thankful I have some savings to dip into to keep us afloat. It's my own damn fault I am faltering after buying this house and it turned out to be a lemon; an expensive lemon that I can't seem to maintain. I need an attitude adjustment. I want to look at life positively and with hope and love and all that other bull crap but I just feel worn out. I'll be 40 this summer and I was supposed to be fit and fabulous but have I done anything to change the situation? No, I just sit on my ass and whine and complain to myself. Yes, to myself cause I don't have anyone to talk to. I have made so many mistakes and I just don't know I to backpedal or move forward and turn the frown upside down to make shit better. I'm tired of complaining to myself so I done. No one is going to read this crap anyway so
peace...
peace...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
so long
Wow, it has been a while since I've been back. This doesn't seem to be working out like I thought. Oh I guess I have high hopes but if I don't have a constant reminder I will forget like a big dog. Well, it has been 22 days in the new year and nothing spectacular has happened except Barack Obama was sworn in as the first Black President. That was exciting. It was a historic moment for all Americans but how come I don't feel excited like everybody else. To me it was just Tuesday. I feel so detatched and unfeeling, I just don't get excited about anything anymore. I don't have any passion for anything. Life to me is just one big passage of time. Man I feel like I'm wasting space.
Meh.
Until whenever
Meh.
Until whenever
Friday, December 26, 2008
Family
As I grow older, I become more concerned with the status of my family. My grandmother is deteriorating right in front of us. My oldest aunt is trying her best as her caretaker but it is truly a job that is way over her head. Yesterday, Christmas Day, I was introduced to the mass confusion and sadness that has become their life. I sadly wondered if my grandma has lost her mind. She pooped but reached inside diaper and stuck her hand in it! I kept smelling something and wondered why no one else noticed the strong smell. I happened to look into her room and her hand was covered and she was sort of testing the consistency of the poop out squeezing it in her hand.
I was so shocked! This is not the woman who raised me. She has become a child again it seems. I can't even communicate with her because she tries to speak but all I hear is mumbles. I'm afraid to be near her. I feel so ashamed of myself and mostly because I fear that I will end up that way. I don't want my daughter to have to put up with that from me. The thing is my aunt doesn't want to but her in a nursing home. I understand why cause there have been so many reports about elderly people being abused but the state of the household is like madness. I don't know how I can help considering I don't like to be around anymore.
What kind of granddaughter am I. I just needed to vent about it. I could not even imagine how to answer my questions.
Until next time
I was so shocked! This is not the woman who raised me. She has become a child again it seems. I can't even communicate with her because she tries to speak but all I hear is mumbles. I'm afraid to be near her. I feel so ashamed of myself and mostly because I fear that I will end up that way. I don't want my daughter to have to put up with that from me. The thing is my aunt doesn't want to but her in a nursing home. I understand why cause there have been so many reports about elderly people being abused but the state of the household is like madness. I don't know how I can help considering I don't like to be around anymore.
What kind of granddaughter am I. I just needed to vent about it. I could not even imagine how to answer my questions.
Until next time
Monday, December 22, 2008
Home for the holidays
Well, it is almost Christmas. Wow, three days from now people will be opening gifts and the rush for the perfect gift will be over. I haven't found it yet. I haven't received it yet.
I'm really spaced out about the holidays. I don't feel the enthusiasm I had when I was a kid. Should I be excited, am I expected to be excited as an adult. Man, I don't even feel like an adult. Mainly because I'm still going home for the holidays. I have a home but we journey back to Louisiana for the sake of family. I wish we could go on a trip somewhere.
Aargh, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm rambling as usual cause I don't have any focus. What's a girl to do.
Anyway, Happy Holidays and be blessed.
Until next time
I'm really spaced out about the holidays. I don't feel the enthusiasm I had when I was a kid. Should I be excited, am I expected to be excited as an adult. Man, I don't even feel like an adult. Mainly because I'm still going home for the holidays. I have a home but we journey back to Louisiana for the sake of family. I wish we could go on a trip somewhere.
Aargh, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm rambling as usual cause I don't have any focus. What's a girl to do.
Anyway, Happy Holidays and be blessed.
Until next time
Thursday, December 18, 2008
eyes wide open
I feel awakened by the truth or at least the truth represented through fiction. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed at my ignorance and the fact that my life has been so empty. While I hold the burden of this emptiness over my own head, I have to admit that family in their misguided yet well meaning ways led me astray.
Sadly, it is not just my family that bears the brunt of this because as African Americans we are all lost; some of us are dead and empty inside. We are mere shells because of our lost culture and true sense of self. We don't know who were are and whom we belong to because of the tragic history in which we found ourselves living here in the country. This whole mess is convoluted and confusing and so hard to pull ourselves out of because we have been adrift for so long. I recognize that I am a lost and fatherless child in America but then again we all are. We have adapted to the culture here as best we can but what do we really have? Asians have their background and culture that they can fall on, Hispanics have a culture to claim, Hindu Indians, Native Americans, and even white people whether they are Irish, Italian, Scottish etc; however, Blacks have nothing but ideas and traditions that were pulled from other cultures and called our own. Most would say this has made us stronger but there is still a weakness that has left us all floundering. Men aren't men anymore. Women have had to take their place as the head of the family and trust me, this is not a job I asked for nor do I want. Children are suffering as fathers leave and continue to make more fatherless babies.
What is there for us to do? Where do we turn? I don't know yet but since my eyes have been opened I intend to search for my truth and thus try to help my family which could lead to helping our community and then help our race. I know I may stumble and fall in my quest and it may take a while but I feel invigorated at the prospect of finding myself amidst the madness we call America or home.
Sadly, it is not just my family that bears the brunt of this because as African Americans we are all lost; some of us are dead and empty inside. We are mere shells because of our lost culture and true sense of self. We don't know who were are and whom we belong to because of the tragic history in which we found ourselves living here in the country. This whole mess is convoluted and confusing and so hard to pull ourselves out of because we have been adrift for so long. I recognize that I am a lost and fatherless child in America but then again we all are. We have adapted to the culture here as best we can but what do we really have? Asians have their background and culture that they can fall on, Hispanics have a culture to claim, Hindu Indians, Native Americans, and even white people whether they are Irish, Italian, Scottish etc; however, Blacks have nothing but ideas and traditions that were pulled from other cultures and called our own. Most would say this has made us stronger but there is still a weakness that has left us all floundering. Men aren't men anymore. Women have had to take their place as the head of the family and trust me, this is not a job I asked for nor do I want. Children are suffering as fathers leave and continue to make more fatherless babies.
What is there for us to do? Where do we turn? I don't know yet but since my eyes have been opened I intend to search for my truth and thus try to help my family which could lead to helping our community and then help our race. I know I may stumble and fall in my quest and it may take a while but I feel invigorated at the prospect of finding myself amidst the madness we call America or home.
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