eyes wide open

I feel awakened by the truth or at least the truth represented through fiction. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed at my ignorance and the fact that my life has been so empty. While I hold the burden of this emptiness over my own head, I have to admit that family in their misguided yet well meaning ways led me astray.

Sadly, it is not just my family that bears the brunt of this because as African Americans we are all lost; some of us are dead and empty inside. We are mere shells because of our lost culture and true sense of self. We don't know who were are and whom we belong to because of the tragic history in which we found ourselves living here in the country. This whole mess is convoluted and confusing and so hard to pull ourselves out of because we have been adrift for so long. I recognize that I am a lost and fatherless child in America but then again we all are. We have adapted to the culture here as best we can but what do we really have? Asians have their background and culture that they can fall on, Hispanics have a culture to claim, Hindu Indians, Native Americans, and even white people whether they are Irish, Italian, Scottish etc; however, Blacks have nothing but ideas and traditions that were pulled from other cultures and called our own. Most would say this has made us stronger but there is still a weakness that has left us all floundering. Men aren't men anymore. Women have had to take their place as the head of the family and trust me, this is not a job I asked for nor do I want. Children are suffering as fathers leave and continue to make more fatherless babies.

What is there for us to do? Where do we turn? I don't know yet but since my eyes have been opened I intend to search for my truth and thus try to help my family which could lead to helping our community and then help our race. I know I may stumble and fall in my quest and it may take a while but I feel invigorated at the prospect of finding myself amidst the madness we call America or home.