As I grow older, I become more concerned with the status of my family. My grandmother is deteriorating right in front of us. My oldest aunt is trying her best as her caretaker but it is truly a job that is way over her head. Yesterday, Christmas Day, I was introduced to the mass confusion and sadness that has become their life. I sadly wondered if my grandma has lost her mind. She pooped but reached inside diaper and stuck her hand in it! I kept smelling something and wondered why no one else noticed the strong smell. I happened to look into her room and her hand was covered and she was sort of testing the consistency of the poop out squeezing it in her hand.
I was so shocked! This is not the woman who raised me. She has become a child again it seems. I can't even communicate with her because she tries to speak but all I hear is mumbles. I'm afraid to be near her. I feel so ashamed of myself and mostly because I fear that I will end up that way. I don't want my daughter to have to put up with that from me. The thing is my aunt doesn't want to but her in a nursing home. I understand why cause there have been so many reports about elderly people being abused but the state of the household is like madness. I don't know how I can help considering I don't like to be around anymore.
What kind of granddaughter am I. I just needed to vent about it. I could not even imagine how to answer my questions.
Until next time
Friday, December 26, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Home for the holidays
Well, it is almost Christmas. Wow, three days from now people will be opening gifts and the rush for the perfect gift will be over. I haven't found it yet. I haven't received it yet.
I'm really spaced out about the holidays. I don't feel the enthusiasm I had when I was a kid. Should I be excited, am I expected to be excited as an adult. Man, I don't even feel like an adult. Mainly because I'm still going home for the holidays. I have a home but we journey back to Louisiana for the sake of family. I wish we could go on a trip somewhere.
Aargh, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm rambling as usual cause I don't have any focus. What's a girl to do.
Anyway, Happy Holidays and be blessed.
Until next time
I'm really spaced out about the holidays. I don't feel the enthusiasm I had when I was a kid. Should I be excited, am I expected to be excited as an adult. Man, I don't even feel like an adult. Mainly because I'm still going home for the holidays. I have a home but we journey back to Louisiana for the sake of family. I wish we could go on a trip somewhere.
Aargh, I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm rambling as usual cause I don't have any focus. What's a girl to do.
Anyway, Happy Holidays and be blessed.
Until next time
Thursday, December 18, 2008
eyes wide open
I feel awakened by the truth or at least the truth represented through fiction. I feel so embarrassed and ashamed at my ignorance and the fact that my life has been so empty. While I hold the burden of this emptiness over my own head, I have to admit that family in their misguided yet well meaning ways led me astray.
Sadly, it is not just my family that bears the brunt of this because as African Americans we are all lost; some of us are dead and empty inside. We are mere shells because of our lost culture and true sense of self. We don't know who were are and whom we belong to because of the tragic history in which we found ourselves living here in the country. This whole mess is convoluted and confusing and so hard to pull ourselves out of because we have been adrift for so long. I recognize that I am a lost and fatherless child in America but then again we all are. We have adapted to the culture here as best we can but what do we really have? Asians have their background and culture that they can fall on, Hispanics have a culture to claim, Hindu Indians, Native Americans, and even white people whether they are Irish, Italian, Scottish etc; however, Blacks have nothing but ideas and traditions that were pulled from other cultures and called our own. Most would say this has made us stronger but there is still a weakness that has left us all floundering. Men aren't men anymore. Women have had to take their place as the head of the family and trust me, this is not a job I asked for nor do I want. Children are suffering as fathers leave and continue to make more fatherless babies.
What is there for us to do? Where do we turn? I don't know yet but since my eyes have been opened I intend to search for my truth and thus try to help my family which could lead to helping our community and then help our race. I know I may stumble and fall in my quest and it may take a while but I feel invigorated at the prospect of finding myself amidst the madness we call America or home.
Sadly, it is not just my family that bears the brunt of this because as African Americans we are all lost; some of us are dead and empty inside. We are mere shells because of our lost culture and true sense of self. We don't know who were are and whom we belong to because of the tragic history in which we found ourselves living here in the country. This whole mess is convoluted and confusing and so hard to pull ourselves out of because we have been adrift for so long. I recognize that I am a lost and fatherless child in America but then again we all are. We have adapted to the culture here as best we can but what do we really have? Asians have their background and culture that they can fall on, Hispanics have a culture to claim, Hindu Indians, Native Americans, and even white people whether they are Irish, Italian, Scottish etc; however, Blacks have nothing but ideas and traditions that were pulled from other cultures and called our own. Most would say this has made us stronger but there is still a weakness that has left us all floundering. Men aren't men anymore. Women have had to take their place as the head of the family and trust me, this is not a job I asked for nor do I want. Children are suffering as fathers leave and continue to make more fatherless babies.
What is there for us to do? Where do we turn? I don't know yet but since my eyes have been opened I intend to search for my truth and thus try to help my family which could lead to helping our community and then help our race. I know I may stumble and fall in my quest and it may take a while but I feel invigorated at the prospect of finding myself amidst the madness we call America or home.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Well?
I'm not so sure this experiment is working out quite like I expected. I was hoping that setting this blog up I would gain some confidence in my writing and my ideas would flow from my brain to my fingers onto the page. Well, that has not happened yet. Shoot, I can't even come back on here on a regular basis as I expected I would. Maybe I'm just not that creative and I don't have anything all that special to say.
I think I knew really deep down I wasn't that deep and even I don't care what I have to say so why would anyone listen or read it? Maybe I'm just feeling down on myself as usual. Who knows?
Well, they say a writer writes I guess as a wanna be writer I need to keep writing when I get the feeling or just keep pushing until I push something out; bad, good or indifferent. Something magical may happen. I guess I got to keep hoping, wishing, praying and just plain ole writing.
Until next time
I think I knew really deep down I wasn't that deep and even I don't care what I have to say so why would anyone listen or read it? Maybe I'm just feeling down on myself as usual. Who knows?
Well, they say a writer writes I guess as a wanna be writer I need to keep writing when I get the feeling or just keep pushing until I push something out; bad, good or indifferent. Something magical may happen. I guess I got to keep hoping, wishing, praying and just plain ole writing.
Until next time
Thursday, December 11, 2008
crumbling
Have you ever felt as if life as you know it is crumbling down around you? I have been feeling that way for quite a while now. It seems as ever aspect of my life is going to the pits. Fortunately, I am still employeed and have a roof over my head but my home life is crap. My kid and I are at each other's throats on a constant basis. I feel so tense and unhappy all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm losing it.
I don't find solace in my favorite activities anymore. I feel like I'm just going through the motions most of the time. I realize that many people are struggling and basically just trying to stay afloat. My situation isn't as dire but I feel like it is. Maybe I'm overreacting and stressing out. However, it just seems like the stress is building instead of waning. I just hope I don't go over the edge. I really hope I don't cause I feel scared by the things that come out of my mouth, the things I think.
I don't find solace in my favorite activities anymore. I feel like I'm just going through the motions most of the time. I realize that many people are struggling and basically just trying to stay afloat. My situation isn't as dire but I feel like it is. Maybe I'm overreacting and stressing out. However, it just seems like the stress is building instead of waning. I just hope I don't go over the edge. I really hope I don't cause I feel scared by the things that come out of my mouth, the things I think.
Monday, December 8, 2008
nothing going on
I just wrote some crap about my lame weekend and it didn't post and I don't feel like writing it again.
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
The world will soon be ready to receive your talents
I've been waiting a long time for this to happen. It seems as if people are following me around waiting for something to happen. Sometimes people find themselves greeting me like an old friend eager to bask in my knowledge.
Just yesterday, this girl came up to me and said, "So when will you finish? I can't wait to read it. It's like a light popped in my head and said 'she will be done soon and you will love it'."
She was practically bouncing off the walls of the local junior high that my sister attends. I pick her up every afternoon. Usually, I sit in the car and wait for her to come out but something compelled me to get out and go to her.
"Well" she shrieked at me. "Are you finished? I want to read it so bad. Can I have an early copy?"
I stood before her completely baffled by this response from a kid I didn't even know! I just stared at her embarrassed by her eagerness and my apparent stupidity. Suddenly, it dawned on me what she was talking about.
"Oh! I know what you are talking about. Sure, sure you can get a copy. Do you know my sister? She can pass it on to you. Just give me a couple of more weeks and it will be done."
"Fantastic!" she squealed and tried her best attempt to squeeze the life out of me as she hugged me around my waist. "I'll be on the look out for you. I'll remember even if you don't."
"It's cool. Trust me. I'll remember you" I said with a stupid grin on my face as I moved away to continue to look for my sister.
I didn't really know where I was going and somehow I ended up at the counselor's office. I stood in the doorway of the office waiting on someone to come out so I could ask where I could find my sister. A tall brown skinned woman with a giant but beautifully kept Afro stepped out of a side office and smiled at me.
"It is you. I thought I recognized you when you walked through the door but I thought I was seeing things."
Again, I displayed a most unbecoming expression on my face as I wondered what she was talking about.
"Well, is it ready?" She walked over to me and held out her hand. "I apologize for my rude behavior. My name is Sasha Crow the school counselor and one of your biggest fans. I try to read your posts as soon as you get them online."
I smiled immediately at the mention of my blog posts. After months and months of no response or a glimmer that anyone was reading my drivel, people started responding to the things I wrote and then I announced that I would attempt to write a novel and the response was overwhelming. I was afraid I would let them down but I smiled with the secret knowledge that I was mere days from completing my first book.
"Thank you for reading my work. I love the feedback I have received from the readers." I stretched out my hand to shake hers. "I'm glad you enjoy it and yes, it is almost ready. I was just telling one of the students a few minutes ago that within a few weeks I will be done."
"Yes!" she says with a fist pump. "I can't wait to see what you have written. Congratulations, I'm sure it will be a success." Sasha continues to pump my hand that is still wrapped in hers.
I gently pull my hand out of her grasp. "Thank you again Ms. Crow." I slowly moved back out of the office. "I need to make my way back out towards the car. My sister is probably wondering where I am."
I walked quickly back to my car and to my surprise, my sister along with a gaggle of kids are standing beside it waiting for me. I give in to the warm feeling filling me up as I walk to the group waiting to praise me on my blog posts and pump me for information. I wanted fame for my writing but I never knew it would catch on like this. I'm glad I believed that fortune cookie that warned me the world will soon be ready to receive your talents because I'm primed and pumped for the attention.
I quickly greet my new fans with a winning smile and start signing autographs on the slips of paper that have been thrust at me.
Okay, I finally wrote something for that exercise concerning the fortune cookie. I hope it was okay.
Just yesterday, this girl came up to me and said, "So when will you finish? I can't wait to read it. It's like a light popped in my head and said 'she will be done soon and you will love it'."
She was practically bouncing off the walls of the local junior high that my sister attends. I pick her up every afternoon. Usually, I sit in the car and wait for her to come out but something compelled me to get out and go to her.
"Well" she shrieked at me. "Are you finished? I want to read it so bad. Can I have an early copy?"
I stood before her completely baffled by this response from a kid I didn't even know! I just stared at her embarrassed by her eagerness and my apparent stupidity. Suddenly, it dawned on me what she was talking about.
"Oh! I know what you are talking about. Sure, sure you can get a copy. Do you know my sister? She can pass it on to you. Just give me a couple of more weeks and it will be done."
"Fantastic!" she squealed and tried her best attempt to squeeze the life out of me as she hugged me around my waist. "I'll be on the look out for you. I'll remember even if you don't."
"It's cool. Trust me. I'll remember you" I said with a stupid grin on my face as I moved away to continue to look for my sister.
I didn't really know where I was going and somehow I ended up at the counselor's office. I stood in the doorway of the office waiting on someone to come out so I could ask where I could find my sister. A tall brown skinned woman with a giant but beautifully kept Afro stepped out of a side office and smiled at me.
"It is you. I thought I recognized you when you walked through the door but I thought I was seeing things."
Again, I displayed a most unbecoming expression on my face as I wondered what she was talking about.
"Well, is it ready?" She walked over to me and held out her hand. "I apologize for my rude behavior. My name is Sasha Crow the school counselor and one of your biggest fans. I try to read your posts as soon as you get them online."
I smiled immediately at the mention of my blog posts. After months and months of no response or a glimmer that anyone was reading my drivel, people started responding to the things I wrote and then I announced that I would attempt to write a novel and the response was overwhelming. I was afraid I would let them down but I smiled with the secret knowledge that I was mere days from completing my first book.
"Thank you for reading my work. I love the feedback I have received from the readers." I stretched out my hand to shake hers. "I'm glad you enjoy it and yes, it is almost ready. I was just telling one of the students a few minutes ago that within a few weeks I will be done."
"Yes!" she says with a fist pump. "I can't wait to see what you have written. Congratulations, I'm sure it will be a success." Sasha continues to pump my hand that is still wrapped in hers.
I gently pull my hand out of her grasp. "Thank you again Ms. Crow." I slowly moved back out of the office. "I need to make my way back out towards the car. My sister is probably wondering where I am."
I walked quickly back to my car and to my surprise, my sister along with a gaggle of kids are standing beside it waiting for me. I give in to the warm feeling filling me up as I walk to the group waiting to praise me on my blog posts and pump me for information. I wanted fame for my writing but I never knew it would catch on like this. I'm glad I believed that fortune cookie that warned me the world will soon be ready to receive your talents because I'm primed and pumped for the attention.
I quickly greet my new fans with a winning smile and start signing autographs on the slips of paper that have been thrust at me.
Okay, I finally wrote something for that exercise concerning the fortune cookie. I hope it was okay.
Monday, December 1, 2008
Fortune
Hey I remembered to come back and do some writing.! Maybe I should use this time to actually writes a short story or something instead of the mindless drivel I have been leaving behind? Well, at least I will try out these writing exercises I have been doing with this book I read.
"The Fiction Class" by Susan Breen has been a terrific read. I found myself wanting to cry at times because of the relationship between the protagonist and her mother. Besides from actually being a writer, I find myself seeing many similarities with this character. She and her mother are at odds with each other, my mother and I don't even really have a relationship. She is more like a distant relative than my mother. I guess that is because she didn't raise me and I just don't feel a kinship to her although I introduce her as my mother. I think it is more because I wanted to belong to someone instead of just being a granddaughter or a niece. I don't know.
Anyway, in this book, Breen has these exercises that the writing teacher has given to her students and I decided to do them as well just to see how things would turn out and to give myself practice since I don't write like I should do since people say "A writer writes!"
One such exercise is to take a fortune from a fortune cookie and write a story in which the fortune is the theme. Luckily I have saved a fortune I found on the ground because I liked it. Actually, some birds were fighting over this cookie which was still in the wrapper. I got out of the van, grabbed the cookie and took the fortune then threw the cookie back to the birds. They didn't want it at first and then one of the more adventurous birds grabbed the biggest piece and flew away! I looked at the rest of them and thought, "That is what you get for being slow and picky." Anyway, here I go.
The World will soon be ready to receive your talents. Good don't you think? When I saw this I just knew it was a sign of some sort. I once saw a fortune teller or palm reader because that is what she did. She told me that I would not find my success until after I turned 40 or something like that. This bothered me cause I was ready for something to happen then in my late 20s. She described my current boyfriend to a tee which made me believe her and she also told me to just leave the lost relationship with my sperm donor alone. I think she said it would not do me any good trying to make something happen when it was not meant to be. I really didn't like that. I have been desperate to find my father for so long but I'm afraid to actually look for him. I really think since he left he should come back to find me not me going out looking for him.
Ugh, I've typed to long and now I don't feel like doing the exercise. I will come back and do it tomorrow. Hopefully this will give me a chance to think about what I want to write.
Until next time
"The Fiction Class" by Susan Breen has been a terrific read. I found myself wanting to cry at times because of the relationship between the protagonist and her mother. Besides from actually being a writer, I find myself seeing many similarities with this character. She and her mother are at odds with each other, my mother and I don't even really have a relationship. She is more like a distant relative than my mother. I guess that is because she didn't raise me and I just don't feel a kinship to her although I introduce her as my mother. I think it is more because I wanted to belong to someone instead of just being a granddaughter or a niece. I don't know.
Anyway, in this book, Breen has these exercises that the writing teacher has given to her students and I decided to do them as well just to see how things would turn out and to give myself practice since I don't write like I should do since people say "A writer writes!"
One such exercise is to take a fortune from a fortune cookie and write a story in which the fortune is the theme. Luckily I have saved a fortune I found on the ground because I liked it. Actually, some birds were fighting over this cookie which was still in the wrapper. I got out of the van, grabbed the cookie and took the fortune then threw the cookie back to the birds. They didn't want it at first and then one of the more adventurous birds grabbed the biggest piece and flew away! I looked at the rest of them and thought, "That is what you get for being slow and picky." Anyway, here I go.
The World will soon be ready to receive your talents. Good don't you think? When I saw this I just knew it was a sign of some sort. I once saw a fortune teller or palm reader because that is what she did. She told me that I would not find my success until after I turned 40 or something like that. This bothered me cause I was ready for something to happen then in my late 20s. She described my current boyfriend to a tee which made me believe her and she also told me to just leave the lost relationship with my sperm donor alone. I think she said it would not do me any good trying to make something happen when it was not meant to be. I really didn't like that. I have been desperate to find my father for so long but I'm afraid to actually look for him. I really think since he left he should come back to find me not me going out looking for him.
Ugh, I've typed to long and now I don't feel like doing the exercise. I will come back and do it tomorrow. Hopefully this will give me a chance to think about what I want to write.
Until next time
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
