whatever

Wow, it has been so long since I have visited. So little has happened! Nothing but crap seems to happen in my life. I seem to be a cronic worrier and it is getting worse. I'm still worried about my house and the surrounding area. My driveway looks like it is about to slide down the hill. There are so many cracks and openings cause the rain is torrential here. This is really getting me down. I wish I never moved here, bought this house and took this job. When I decided to move back down South, I was full of possibilities. I wanted to get into a new career field but no one wanted me so I had to fall back on what I know: pulling cable. I'm a cable monkey and it seems I am destined to stay a cable monkey. Life is so damn hard. There are so many choices in this world and it seems like I am making all the wrong ones. What can I do from here. How can I clean this up. Someone may tell me to turn to God but I feel like God has so many other things to worry about than me.

Why do people have kids? Why did I have a kid? Have you ever read or saw one of those movies where the government controls when, where and how many kids you can have or whether you are fit to procreate. Man, I think life would be so much more simplier on that issue if something like that was implemented. I seriously would have been shot down! I had good intentions but 20/20 hindshight, my intentions are not adequate in my situation. We were so wrong for each other and making a baby made stuff worse.

I want to be a free spirit. I want to glide and never settle down. I feel so bogged down and listless. Sometimes I feel like I'm fading, fading really fast. I don't have anyone to turn to. I can see why some people do what they do to make the pain go away. I'm not strong or even weak enough to take that route. Right now I'm just avoiding it and wallowing in it.

On the real, do you every just get tired of yourself and of your own whining?

All right, whatever.

Well

Well, it has been a while since I made it back here. Nothing has changed as usual. I'm still lonely, unhappy and broke. I did get a bit of good news. The little one passed her pass or fail test so all she has to do is maintain her grades and she will be a 4th grader. She actually did way better than I thought. I didn't really have expectations for her just for her to do her best and she did it so I'm really proud of her. I got my test results back and I'm in the clear on my sort of health scare. I thought I was years closer to a cervial cancer than expected but the tests cleared me so that was a weight off my mind. Other than that, things were back to normal as usual. The little one didn't want to do her homework, she took her time as usual, I restrained myself from yelling like I normally do but I could feel my stomach burning from holding back. I just balanced my checkbook and it is looking bleak!!!! I am just so over my head. I thought I was flush after we got our little bonuses and I put money in my savings. Well, I will be dipping back into it come next week or two to pay the bills. I guess I should be thankful I have some savings to dip into to keep us afloat. It's my own damn fault I am faltering after buying this house and it turned out to be a lemon; an expensive lemon that I can't seem to maintain. I need an attitude adjustment. I want to look at life positively and with hope and love and all that other bull crap but I just feel worn out. I'll be 40 this summer and I was supposed to be fit and fabulous but have I done anything to change the situation? No, I just sit on my ass and whine and complain to myself. Yes, to myself cause I don't have anyone to talk to. I have made so many mistakes and I just don't know I to backpedal or move forward and turn the frown upside down to make shit better. I'm tired of complaining to myself so I done. No one is going to read this crap anyway so
peace...

so long

Wow, it has been a while since I've been back. This doesn't seem to be working out like I thought. Oh I guess I have high hopes but if I don't have a constant reminder I will forget like a big dog. Well, it has been 22 days in the new year and nothing spectacular has happened except Barack Obama was sworn in as the first Black President. That was exciting. It was a historic moment for all Americans but how come I don't feel excited like everybody else. To me it was just Tuesday. I feel so detatched and unfeeling, I just don't get excited about anything anymore. I don't have any passion for anything. Life to me is just one big passage of time. Man I feel like I'm wasting space.

Meh.

Until whenever